This might sound incredibly contradictory, but I both love and hate change. At the same time, simultaneously. It makes me mad with fear and anxiety whilst filling me up with excitement and those good kinds of tummy butterflies we all remember feeling in primary school.
Don’t get me wrong, I know change is needed. For progression and for sanity. We all know that the only way to stay on the bicycle is to keep moving, but there are so many urges in me that tell me that ahead is full on unchartered territory, unknown roads that might send that bicycle into a ditch for a while, or burst a tyre or we might find ourselves on a sharp incline and suddenly panting for breath (not that this wouldn’t be happening anyway lol) and accidentally rolling back down to the bottom.
Change is scary.
Well, change is scary whilst you’re in it.
People always talk about change after it’s happened, which ultimately, isn’t very reassuring to those experiencing a change in their present moments. So I’m talking about it now, not in a month when some kinks have worked themselves out, or in a year when I can look back and think “What was I so worried about…” (hopefully). It’s scary, it’s happening and I am consciously living through it and feeling its impact every damn day. We all are.
I considered today that being self-aware of change that is happening to you (and by you) is probably the most terrifying change of all. It’s the feeling of being constantly torn between what you’re used to and what you want. There’s not a lot of struggle aside from the one of feeling like a stranger to yourself. Making a decision and double-taking like, “Wait, I did that?… That really doesn’t seem like me… Maybe I’m getting a fever or something”. No, mate, you’re changing.
Here’s the twist, it’s also super exciting and motivating and feels like a breath of fresh air. Life wouldn’t be life without change, would it? Like I said, as much as change unsettles me, it pushes me on every day because none of us really want to stay in the same place too long.
A few weeks ago, when in London and trying to perk myself up a bit, I whacked on a pretty bold lipstick out of habit and instantly felt uncomfortable and not myself. For a good few years, wearing a bright red (or slightly differing shade of red) lipstick really defined me to me. With it on I felt comfortable, myself and as confident as any young woman can be. Lately, I just don’t reach for that bold lipstick anymore. Even though sometimes something feels like it’s missing, when I wear it, I don’t feel like me anymore, and that moment in London was a moment of scary, uncomfortable but ultimately progressive realisation.
I turn 21 next month (I know, still a baby in the grand scheme of things) and if Becky from a year ago saw Becky now, I don’t think she would recognise herself (and not just because she’s a bit chubbier – lol). A year ago I couldn’t have predicted the life leaps I’m currently taking, and would probably be horrified and dismissive if anyone suggested them to me. I’d probably feel the same if someone suggested that for a while I wouldn’t be massively into red lipstick.
I’m still me, though, even if I don’t feel 100% settled in any previous idea of what ‘me’ was.
There’s so much more to say about change, but I’ll round things off here to keep thoughts tidy and well eloquent. Change is here, it’s happening and instead of hiding away until it’s passed, I’m going through the motions by its side. It’s uncomfortable but enlightening all at the same time.
Are you in a similar position in your life? Welcoming good change or resisting bad change, I think we need to start talking more about the journey whilst it’s still happening.
Here’s to being a conflicted mess,